Stripped Bare

I’m journeying the most difficult time in my life, praying for someone who has made some devastating decision, leaving me wounded and broken. I pray that God will change them, to let them see the error of their ways. In a moment that I will never forget, God speaks to me and says, “who are you that you should think your relationship with that person is more important than the relationship that they have with me?” I am silent, frozen in my tracks. God begins an awakening in me that I can only describe as Him putting His fingers in my eyes and mouth and ripping off my flesh. He holds it up in front of my face, and I begin to see me for who I really am. I am a sinner, messed up, walking a thin line between who I should be and who I truly am. I am two-faced, double-minded, yelling like a saint but living like a sinner. The literal agony and pain of seeing myself, and understanding what I have done to our God, my Savior, is almost unbearable. For weeks I carry this burden, seeing the pain I have inflicted on the One who came for me.

“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”

All that remains is repentance. From the depths of my soul I cry out in desperation for help, for death, for anything but this way of life. It’s the place where I say enough is enough, Lord I surrender, I turn to you. I have been divided, crushed, stripped bare.

Hebrews 4:12-13